CLARIFICATION

Something was brought to my attention today by a dear friend and I thought I should clarify my post, or posts... or heck, the whole darn blog....

Tessi isn't "sick".  I think when I am in a bad place I come here and my posts are probably very negative.  I constantly question her still being here and if I am making the right decisions.  I think it is more a look into the future of what I will face.  It's not a right now sort of thing.

I've read a lot about can or will happen as things progress with her fibrosarcoma.  With the exception of some discomfort that I think we're doing a good job of managing, she is doing very well.

Tessi doesn't miss a meal.  She is not vomiting.  Her tumor isn't bleeding.  There is no sign of infection.  I know eventually those things will play a major role in what's to come but right now, my girl isn't sick.  Oddly, she's probably healthier than she's been in a while.  Might be too much information but Tessi has always had a weak stomach and quite often loose stool that we could never quite correct.  We used Flagyl, over the counter remedies, changed her food... I even used natural clay (which was helping a bit before I found out she had cancer)  All of a sudden the last couple weeks her stool has been solid.  Best it's been in a long time.  (Too much information, I'm sure, for some)  I've read CBD oil can settle your stomach.  I wonder if that's what helping.  I'm really not sure.

What I'm saying is....  I know it's not her time to go yet.  My heart just dreads that day.  I think my writings make it appear it's already that time.  It's not.  She's still first in line for dinner and comes running when I open the drawer her favorite feather toy is in.  My version and her's of what a "bad day" is most likely is very different.  She lives in the moment.  I am trying to get better at doing the same.

Hugs and Purrs,

Arline

TUESDAY THOUGHTS ON TESSI

So much has changed yet so much remains the same.  I don't bawl to the point I can't get out of the car when I get home, but I do still shed tears everyday.  Tessi no longer hides at mealtime.  She comes running out, first in line; but, she's also lost a bit of weight.  Not much... but, a little. It could also be my imagination and her wiggling on the scale.   I've taken to only looking at the tumor now and then, and only because I want to make certain there's no sign of infection.  I no longer make her open her mouth several times a day. What's the point?  I can't change anything.  I am trying to live each day by "treat the cat not the tumor".  If she's eating, if she's happy, we're good.  The tumor continues to grow.  Apparently it is wasted wishes throwing pennies into the fountain in hopes that it would shrink.

She's drooling more than she had been.  Which is no HUGE difference around here.  For a cat with an underbite, she's always been a bit of a drooler.  It's noticeable though and we've begun the nightly process of washing her face and chest to keep her clean.

I start every day as if it's the last. Mornings are hard.  Evenings are better.  She's more active, happy, and outgoing.  It's definitely a rollercoaster ride.  I question myself every day if I'm doing right by her.  Just when I think I'm keeping her here for ME, I look into her eyes and see that soul that still has fight.  She comes running into the room to steal a wrapper.  She dives off the windowsill to run to the next window to chase a chipmunk.   If I didn't KNOW she had cancer I'm not sure I'd be questioning all these things.  She really doesn't act any differently than the other cats.  But, I KNOW... hence I second guess myself.  I promised her she would not know she was sick or live in pain.  She can't talk though, so I have to go with my gut and pray it doesn't stir me wrong.

Last night she slept all curled up next to me, purring the night away.  I'll take that as a win and another good day in the books.

Hugs and Purrs,

Arline & Tesserae

TESSI'S TINCTURES

Good morning, followers.

Yesterday I told you about our experience, granted early stage, with CBD Oil.  Today I'll share that we are also using Life GOLD.   No, I've not been paid to review this but I did want to share that it is another tool in our Tessi Toolbox.  It was recommended to me by a few different people and after reading about it, it was another "do no harm" sort of thing, that at this point I figured, "What have we got to lose?"  

It is a herbal remedy for immune system support for pets with cancer.  While we aren't going through chemo or radiation and have no need to rid our system of those toxins, she can certainly use all the immune system support she can get at this point.  

Do I think it will cure her?  Absolutely not!  My goal here is to keep her comfortable, happy and able to enjoy what days she has left here with us.

There are a lot of crazy, scary things out there on the world wide web.  Make sure to do your research.  Ask questions.  Ask friends.  Ask your vet.

Here are some links I found helpful in my searches.

CBD OIL REVIEWS

CAT MAMAS

PALLIATIVE OPTIONS IN CANCER CARE

PET WELLBEING

NATURAL CAT CARE BLOG

QUALITY OF LIFE SCORECARD

That's all for today, folks.  At least for now....

We're going back to watching the birds and the butterflies....

Hugs and Purrs,

Arline & Tessi

BE LIKE NOAH

In the last couple weeks Tessi has been avoiding me.  Who can blame her.  I bawl like a baby when she walks in the room..... so she walks out.  I'm trying to be better about that.  I'm trying to be more like Noah.

I can make myself crazy wondering what a cat thinks.  If she knows what's happening to her.  I asked a friend today how to lighten my aura, raise my vibration, make me someone she wants to be close to again.  "Do something that makes you happy." she said.  "Find your happy place."  "Center yourself and find peace."  in other words... BE MORE LIKE NOAH.

He doesn't question, he doesn't judge.  He just walks up and sits his ass down like he always has.

….and she sinks in, and finds her peace.

I'm going to have to work on that.  I think I'm doing a bit better than a few days ago.  Last night I had an epiphany.  No matter how bad things are she MUST feel better than she felt before the bulk of the tumor was removed.  She must be more comfortable.   I need to stop... and let her be.  Let her do what she does best.  Be a cat.

Yes, her tongue is out.  Yes, she still makes me laugh.  She wins!  They both do.

Tomorrow I promise to be more like Noah.

 Hugs and Purrs,
Arline

Our story began on Memorial Day weekend 2011.  The day I drove north to pick up an adorable big eyed kitten who stole my heart on the internet.  I believed our story would be a long one, but apparently that is not the hand we were dealt.

My sweet Tesserae has been diagnosed with oral fibrosarcoma.  It was found June 14th and (mostly) removed on the 21st.  I really wasn't worried.  She'd had "things" in her mouth before and the biopsies came back fine.  The phone call I received on June 26th, 2018 changed our story.

This is a blog about devastation, denial, hope and acceptance.  I'm sure there will be some who won't agree with the path we take, how we get there, or when it ends.  This page is here, mainly for me, to record my feelings, our photos, to share with those maybe going through the same thing.  Maybe someone will reply with words of wisdom, inspiration or past experience.  Maybe someday someone will find this page and know they aren't alone in their feelings of helplessness.

I have made one solemn promise to Tesserae.  I will not let her know she's sick.  In the end that may mean saying goodbye long before I'm ready. (as I'll probably never be ready)  I will not let her suffer.  I pray she will tell me when watching butterflies no longer brings her happiness.

Welcome to our page.  This is our story.

Arline & Tessi