CLARIFICATION

Something was brought to my attention today by a dear friend and I thought I should clarify my post, or posts... or heck, the whole darn blog....

Tessi isn't "sick".  I think when I am in a bad place I come here and my posts are probably very negative.  I constantly question her still being here and if I am making the right decisions.  I think it is more a look into the future of what I will face.  It's not a right now sort of thing.

I've read a lot about can or will happen as things progress with her fibrosarcoma.  With the exception of some discomfort that I think we're doing a good job of managing, she is doing very well.

Tessi doesn't miss a meal.  She is not vomiting.  Her tumor isn't bleeding.  There is no sign of infection.  I know eventually those things will play a major role in what's to come but right now, my girl isn't sick.  Oddly, she's probably healthier than she's been in a while.  Might be too much information but Tessi has always had a weak stomach and quite often loose stool that we could never quite correct.  We used Flagyl, over the counter remedies, changed her food... I even used natural clay (which was helping a bit before I found out she had cancer)  All of a sudden the last couple weeks her stool has been solid.  Best it's been in a long time.  (Too much information, I'm sure, for some)  I've read CBD oil can settle your stomach.  I wonder if that's what helping.  I'm really not sure.

What I'm saying is....  I know it's not her time to go yet.  My heart just dreads that day.  I think my writings make it appear it's already that time.  It's not.  She's still first in line for dinner and comes running when I open the drawer her favorite feather toy is in.  My version and her's of what a "bad day" is most likely is very different.  She lives in the moment.  I am trying to get better at doing the same.

Hugs and Purrs,

Arline

TUESDAY THOUGHTS ON TESSI

So much has changed yet so much remains the same.  I don't bawl to the point I can't get out of the car when I get home, but I do still shed tears everyday.  Tessi no longer hides at mealtime.  She comes running out, first in line; but, she's also lost a bit of weight.  Not much... but, a little. It could also be my imagination and her wiggling on the scale.   I've taken to only looking at the tumor now and then, and only because I want to make certain there's no sign of infection.  I no longer make her open her mouth several times a day. What's the point?  I can't change anything.  I am trying to live each day by "treat the cat not the tumor".  If she's eating, if she's happy, we're good.  The tumor continues to grow.  Apparently it is wasted wishes throwing pennies into the fountain in hopes that it would shrink.

She's drooling more than she had been.  Which is no HUGE difference around here.  For a cat with an underbite, she's always been a bit of a drooler.  It's noticeable though and we've begun the nightly process of washing her face and chest to keep her clean.

I start every day as if it's the last. Mornings are hard.  Evenings are better.  She's more active, happy, and outgoing.  It's definitely a rollercoaster ride.  I question myself every day if I'm doing right by her.  Just when I think I'm keeping her here for ME, I look into her eyes and see that soul that still has fight.  She comes running into the room to steal a wrapper.  She dives off the windowsill to run to the next window to chase a chipmunk.   If I didn't KNOW she had cancer I'm not sure I'd be questioning all these things.  She really doesn't act any differently than the other cats.  But, I KNOW... hence I second guess myself.  I promised her she would not know she was sick or live in pain.  She can't talk though, so I have to go with my gut and pray it doesn't stir me wrong.

Last night she slept all curled up next to me, purring the night away.  I'll take that as a win and another good day in the books.

Hugs and Purrs,

Arline & Tesserae

OH, OH!

Yup... that is all.... OH, OH!

I've posted about "my" stages in all of this.  Devastation, denial, hope, back to devastation...
I know I haven't handled all of this well. Most days I wander in circles and can't get out of my own way.  Since the day of Tessi's diagnosis though I have "tried" to prepare myself for her death.  As much as I hate the thought of it, I've tried my best to plan ahead and be prepared.

I have pain meds on hand for the chance things suddenly take a horrible turn.  I've already discussed her crossing over with my veterinarian's office, whether they offer home service, or if I'll have to seek someone else to come to the house if that ends up being the way I want to go.

I've spent time wondering how the other cats will handle her passing.  When we lost Tessi's mother, Evie, Teddy took it the hardest.  I can honestly say I've never had a pet so outwardly, obviously grieve, to the point I could see what was happening.

Quite frankly, that's how we ended up with Thea.  I wanted to mend his broken heart.  Seven years ago I brought Tessi home so he wouldn't be alone but she's never been a rough and tumble girl.  She's always been a princess.  Her mother on the other hand could put the smack down on Teddy and give him the run for his money that he needed.  Thankfully, Thea does the same.  She may be little but she's fierce.

But, I digress...

My point is, while I'm a hot mess, I still thought I had all my bases covered.  Until tonight...

Bob, my rock, my practical voice of reason, Mr. Black and White (no gray anywhere), Mr. Matter of Fact, said something I did not see coming...

"Arline, stop feeding her so much; she'll get fat!"

I just cried.  I've told him while nothing is written in stone what her life expectancy is.  I've read him all my research.  He's seen me cry myself to sleep.   I worried about ME.  I worried about the other cats.  OMG!  I never considered him.

When I told him she wouldn't live long enough to get fat... he thought I was horrible for thinking that way.  Oh, how I wish he were right, but I'm afraid he's not.

….and I thought he was the practical one in the house.  The one who would tell me "it's time" if I couldn't bring my own heart to see it.  Oh, Oh.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone.  <3

Live every day as if it were your last.

Hugs and Purrs,

Arline

THURSDAY THOUGHTS ON TREATMENTS

It's taken me nearly two weeks to come back here.   I truly had good intentions but sadness overwhelmed me.  I cancelled dinner dates with friends, I stayed home.  I sat on the porch a lot and cried.  I'm sorry if over the last couple weeks you bumped into me somewhere and I wasn't "myself".  I haven't been myself for four weeks now.

But... I'm trying to change that.  Not a single one of us is promised tomorrow.  I don't know how many times I've left work saying,  "I left that in the top left drawer if she comes in.  You know... in case I get hit by a bus when I walk out of here..."

Well, I sorta got hit by a bus.  ....and life goes on.

I had planned for my third post to be about options.  For those facing what we are facing and learning what can be done for a cat with oral fibrosarcoma.  I just couldn't bring myself to write it all down over the last couple weeks.

This is the tumor, when it was found.  Needless to say, I was horrified.  I look in her mouth all the time, but I realized that day... only the sides.  I have no idea why I never lifted her front lip.

 Most of the tumor has been removed.  It is already growing back but looks nothing like this.  ....yet..... thankfully.

Option one, which is the most aggressive.  SURGERY.  It would include removing a large part of her upper jaw where the tumor is.  Basically removing part of her face.  No.  Nope.  Nada.  Not doing it.  The horrible thing about this type of cancer is how quickly it usually comes back even after removal.  I could not do that to her.

Option two is radiation.  Daily radiation.  Aside from the fact that I could not bring myself to make her travel to the vet every single day, maybe for the rest of her life, there was another huge factor in this.  Right now, in all of New England there is only ONE facility that does radiation on pets.  ONE.  They have a seven week wait.   I will say, even if it were around the corner, available today, and not a daily trip of three hours in the car, I don't think I would have done it.  (I mentioned in my first post, some won't agree with what I do or don't do).  To me that would be no quality of life for a cat that I've always avoided bringing to the vet because she gets so stressed out.  (and believe me when I say she DOES go to the vet.  Her health record file is bigger than mine).  Also, she has a tumor in her mouth that makes her mouth uncomfortable.  She is already uncomfortable enough.  Do I want to radiate her and make her mouth more painful to buy her a couple  of months?  The oncologist told me no one knows.  She could live six months without treatment, three months with treatment, or vise versa.

Option three:  Chemo.  I considered this one.  Firstly, it's not really a treatment/cure for this type of cancer.   In twenty percent of cases though, it shrinks the tumor for a bit and buys them more time.  He got my attention with that one.  I did more research.  This diagnosis is a death sentence for certain.  I decided against option number three as well.  I felt like a bad human when I made that final decision.  Maybe I wasn't giving her a chance.  Maybe I wasn't doing enough.  Took me a while though to see, I know her better than anyone.  I know what bothers her, what upsets her, what makes her nevous, what makes her tick. We are going to enjoy every day we have left.  No more trips to the vet.  No more staring in her mouth four times a day.    She can eat what she wants, turn her nose up to what she doesn't, eat under the bed.....   so long as she wishes to.  So long as she continues to chase butterflies.

Anyone who finds themselves in our situation will have to make their own decisions.  While there is NOT a lot of information on feline oral fibrosarcoma out there... there is some.  Also, lower jaw may be easier to deal with than upper jaw, giving someone an easier decision to make with radical facial reconstruction to remove the tumor.  A less timid cat may have no problem taking a daily drive.  I only know I had to do in my heart what felt right for her.  Yes, I still doubt myself.  I probably always will.  But, when she runs out to be the first one to eat supper, or is the first out to the catio to watch the birds that makes it a good day.  One I know she's enjoyed.  ....and we carry on.

Hugs and Purrs,

Arline

Our story began on Memorial Day weekend 2011.  The day I drove north to pick up an adorable big eyed kitten who stole my heart on the internet.  I believed our story would be a long one, but apparently that is not the hand we were dealt.

My sweet Tesserae has been diagnosed with oral fibrosarcoma.  It was found June 14th and (mostly) removed on the 21st.  I really wasn't worried.  She'd had "things" in her mouth before and the biopsies came back fine.  The phone call I received on June 26th, 2018 changed our story.

This is a blog about devastation, denial, hope and acceptance.  I'm sure there will be some who won't agree with the path we take, how we get there, or when it ends.  This page is here, mainly for me, to record my feelings, our photos, to share with those maybe going through the same thing.  Maybe someone will reply with words of wisdom, inspiration or past experience.  Maybe someday someone will find this page and know they aren't alone in their feelings of helplessness.

I have made one solemn promise to Tesserae.  I will not let her know she's sick.  In the end that may mean saying goodbye long before I'm ready. (as I'll probably never be ready)  I will not let her suffer.  I pray she will tell me when watching butterflies no longer brings her happiness.

Welcome to our page.  This is our story.

Arline & Tessi