CLARIFICATION

Something was brought to my attention today by a dear friend and I thought I should clarify my post, or posts... or heck, the whole darn blog....

Tessi isn't "sick".  I think when I am in a bad place I come here and my posts are probably very negative.  I constantly question her still being here and if I am making the right decisions.  I think it is more a look into the future of what I will face.  It's not a right now sort of thing.

I've read a lot about can or will happen as things progress with her fibrosarcoma.  With the exception of some discomfort that I think we're doing a good job of managing, she is doing very well.

Tessi doesn't miss a meal.  She is not vomiting.  Her tumor isn't bleeding.  There is no sign of infection.  I know eventually those things will play a major role in what's to come but right now, my girl isn't sick.  Oddly, she's probably healthier than she's been in a while.  Might be too much information but Tessi has always had a weak stomach and quite often loose stool that we could never quite correct.  We used Flagyl, over the counter remedies, changed her food... I even used natural clay (which was helping a bit before I found out she had cancer)  All of a sudden the last couple weeks her stool has been solid.  Best it's been in a long time.  (Too much information, I'm sure, for some)  I've read CBD oil can settle your stomach.  I wonder if that's what helping.  I'm really not sure.

What I'm saying is....  I know it's not her time to go yet.  My heart just dreads that day.  I think my writings make it appear it's already that time.  It's not.  She's still first in line for dinner and comes running when I open the drawer her favorite feather toy is in.  My version and her's of what a "bad day" is most likely is very different.  She lives in the moment.  I am trying to get better at doing the same.

Hugs and Purrs,

Arline

TUESDAY THOUGHTS ON TESSI

So much has changed yet so much remains the same.  I don't bawl to the point I can't get out of the car when I get home, but I do still shed tears everyday.  Tessi no longer hides at mealtime.  She comes running out, first in line; but, she's also lost a bit of weight.  Not much... but, a little. It could also be my imagination and her wiggling on the scale.   I've taken to only looking at the tumor now and then, and only because I want to make certain there's no sign of infection.  I no longer make her open her mouth several times a day. What's the point?  I can't change anything.  I am trying to live each day by "treat the cat not the tumor".  If she's eating, if she's happy, we're good.  The tumor continues to grow.  Apparently it is wasted wishes throwing pennies into the fountain in hopes that it would shrink.

She's drooling more than she had been.  Which is no HUGE difference around here.  For a cat with an underbite, she's always been a bit of a drooler.  It's noticeable though and we've begun the nightly process of washing her face and chest to keep her clean.

I start every day as if it's the last. Mornings are hard.  Evenings are better.  She's more active, happy, and outgoing.  It's definitely a rollercoaster ride.  I question myself every day if I'm doing right by her.  Just when I think I'm keeping her here for ME, I look into her eyes and see that soul that still has fight.  She comes running into the room to steal a wrapper.  She dives off the windowsill to run to the next window to chase a chipmunk.   If I didn't KNOW she had cancer I'm not sure I'd be questioning all these things.  She really doesn't act any differently than the other cats.  But, I KNOW... hence I second guess myself.  I promised her she would not know she was sick or live in pain.  She can't talk though, so I have to go with my gut and pray it doesn't stir me wrong.

Last night she slept all curled up next to me, purring the night away.  I'll take that as a win and another good day in the books.

Hugs and Purrs,

Arline & Tesserae

OH, OH!

Yup... that is all.... OH, OH!

I've posted about "my" stages in all of this.  Devastation, denial, hope, back to devastation...
I know I haven't handled all of this well. Most days I wander in circles and can't get out of my own way.  Since the day of Tessi's diagnosis though I have "tried" to prepare myself for her death.  As much as I hate the thought of it, I've tried my best to plan ahead and be prepared.

I have pain meds on hand for the chance things suddenly take a horrible turn.  I've already discussed her crossing over with my veterinarian's office, whether they offer home service, or if I'll have to seek someone else to come to the house if that ends up being the way I want to go.

I've spent time wondering how the other cats will handle her passing.  When we lost Tessi's mother, Evie, Teddy took it the hardest.  I can honestly say I've never had a pet so outwardly, obviously grieve, to the point I could see what was happening.

Quite frankly, that's how we ended up with Thea.  I wanted to mend his broken heart.  Seven years ago I brought Tessi home so he wouldn't be alone but she's never been a rough and tumble girl.  She's always been a princess.  Her mother on the other hand could put the smack down on Teddy and give him the run for his money that he needed.  Thankfully, Thea does the same.  She may be little but she's fierce.

But, I digress...

My point is, while I'm a hot mess, I still thought I had all my bases covered.  Until tonight...

Bob, my rock, my practical voice of reason, Mr. Black and White (no gray anywhere), Mr. Matter of Fact, said something I did not see coming...

"Arline, stop feeding her so much; she'll get fat!"

I just cried.  I've told him while nothing is written in stone what her life expectancy is.  I've read him all my research.  He's seen me cry myself to sleep.   I worried about ME.  I worried about the other cats.  OMG!  I never considered him.

When I told him she wouldn't live long enough to get fat... he thought I was horrible for thinking that way.  Oh, how I wish he were right, but I'm afraid he's not.

….and I thought he was the practical one in the house.  The one who would tell me "it's time" if I couldn't bring my own heart to see it.  Oh, Oh.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone.  <3

Live every day as if it were your last.

Hugs and Purrs,

Arline

TESSI'S TINCTURES

Good morning, followers.

Yesterday I told you about our experience, granted early stage, with CBD Oil.  Today I'll share that we are also using Life GOLD.   No, I've not been paid to review this but I did want to share that it is another tool in our Tessi Toolbox.  It was recommended to me by a few different people and after reading about it, it was another "do no harm" sort of thing, that at this point I figured, "What have we got to lose?"  

It is a herbal remedy for immune system support for pets with cancer.  While we aren't going through chemo or radiation and have no need to rid our system of those toxins, she can certainly use all the immune system support she can get at this point.  

Do I think it will cure her?  Absolutely not!  My goal here is to keep her comfortable, happy and able to enjoy what days she has left here with us.

There are a lot of crazy, scary things out there on the world wide web.  Make sure to do your research.  Ask questions.  Ask friends.  Ask your vet.

Here are some links I found helpful in my searches.

CBD OIL REVIEWS

CAT MAMAS

PALLIATIVE OPTIONS IN CANCER CARE

PET WELLBEING

NATURAL CAT CARE BLOG

QUALITY OF LIFE SCORECARD

That's all for today, folks.  At least for now....

We're going back to watching the birds and the butterflies....

Hugs and Purrs,

Arline & Tessi