CLARIFICATION

Something was brought to my attention today by a dear friend and I thought I should clarify my post, or posts... or heck, the whole darn blog....

Tessi isn't "sick".  I think when I am in a bad place I come here and my posts are probably very negative.  I constantly question her still being here and if I am making the right decisions.  I think it is more a look into the future of what I will face.  It's not a right now sort of thing.

I've read a lot about can or will happen as things progress with her fibrosarcoma.  With the exception of some discomfort that I think we're doing a good job of managing, she is doing very well.

Tessi doesn't miss a meal.  She is not vomiting.  Her tumor isn't bleeding.  There is no sign of infection.  I know eventually those things will play a major role in what's to come but right now, my girl isn't sick.  Oddly, she's probably healthier than she's been in a while.  Might be too much information but Tessi has always had a weak stomach and quite often loose stool that we could never quite correct.  We used Flagyl, over the counter remedies, changed her food... I even used natural clay (which was helping a bit before I found out she had cancer)  All of a sudden the last couple weeks her stool has been solid.  Best it's been in a long time.  (Too much information, I'm sure, for some)  I've read CBD oil can settle your stomach.  I wonder if that's what helping.  I'm really not sure.

What I'm saying is....  I know it's not her time to go yet.  My heart just dreads that day.  I think my writings make it appear it's already that time.  It's not.  She's still first in line for dinner and comes running when I open the drawer her favorite feather toy is in.  My version and her's of what a "bad day" is most likely is very different.  She lives in the moment.  I am trying to get better at doing the same.

Hugs and Purrs,

Arline

TUESDAY THOUGHTS ON TESSI

So much has changed yet so much remains the same.  I don't bawl to the point I can't get out of the car when I get home, but I do still shed tears everyday.  Tessi no longer hides at mealtime.  She comes running out, first in line; but, she's also lost a bit of weight.  Not much... but, a little. It could also be my imagination and her wiggling on the scale.   I've taken to only looking at the tumor now and then, and only because I want to make certain there's no sign of infection.  I no longer make her open her mouth several times a day. What's the point?  I can't change anything.  I am trying to live each day by "treat the cat not the tumor".  If she's eating, if she's happy, we're good.  The tumor continues to grow.  Apparently it is wasted wishes throwing pennies into the fountain in hopes that it would shrink.

She's drooling more than she had been.  Which is no HUGE difference around here.  For a cat with an underbite, she's always been a bit of a drooler.  It's noticeable though and we've begun the nightly process of washing her face and chest to keep her clean.

I start every day as if it's the last. Mornings are hard.  Evenings are better.  She's more active, happy, and outgoing.  It's definitely a rollercoaster ride.  I question myself every day if I'm doing right by her.  Just when I think I'm keeping her here for ME, I look into her eyes and see that soul that still has fight.  She comes running into the room to steal a wrapper.  She dives off the windowsill to run to the next window to chase a chipmunk.   If I didn't KNOW she had cancer I'm not sure I'd be questioning all these things.  She really doesn't act any differently than the other cats.  But, I KNOW... hence I second guess myself.  I promised her she would not know she was sick or live in pain.  She can't talk though, so I have to go with my gut and pray it doesn't stir me wrong.

Last night she slept all curled up next to me, purring the night away.  I'll take that as a win and another good day in the books.

Hugs and Purrs,

Arline & Tesserae